Stupid Shit

I like stupid things. The kind of things that make you forget that you're late on your bills, that your hair is getting grey, that your best friend just got a new job waaay better than yours. Like a lot of things, stupid things take our minds off the bullshit and make us feel, well, good.

And who doesn't wanna feel good?

So do us all a favor: throw on the pajamas, grab some ice cream, and devour the following. Oh, and feel free to provide or recommend stupid shit of your choosing. I look forward to receiving your shit.



First, let's acknowledge the constant struggle that is Life. Sometimes in Life there are things we don't like. It almost makes you want to vent, doesn't it?

Kinda like these guys:

See, when the world is crumbling at our knees and we're seeking 'experts' like Dr. Phil or some fancy over-priced self-help guide, it's important to remember one thing:

We have choice. We can choose to think more positively, to minimize procrastination, to smoke crack or smoke pole--we choose. We can also choose to trust the words of a twisted narcissist on T.V. whose made millions, or the words of a kind, warm soul like Me (believe the beard).

Of course, who's to say that words mean anything? I mean, how often did you tell your parents the truth when you were growing up? When they asked you where you were going all dressed up on a Friday night, did you tell them you were going to meet up with your latest crush for some premarital relations.. or did you tell them that you were just "hanging out with some friends"?

Bottom line, words mean nothing. Which renders everything I've said thus far meaningless (and everything I will say). That being said, let's move on. I mean, after all, wouldn't you rather swallow my shit than your own?
Figuratively, of course...

But back to Life. Faithful reader, Life is a trying beast. A hot guy who doesn't give two shits about you. A smoking chick who blows you off. See, Life is good when we have our cookies, but when somebody snatches the snack right out of your hands, it kinda leaves a bitter taste in your mouth (you might wanna see a doctor, that could be blood).

When somebody comes along who is better than you and makes it painfully obvious, chances are you won't be smiling. And you shouldn't; smiling causes cancer. But what if somebody comes along who is worse than you at that special something that you believe is your "calling"? Are you now finally smiling, because you feel good about yourself? Because you are somehow superior?

Well good for you, dick. Listen, it's hard to be amazing in life at anything (unless you're Jewish). We all want to be happy, to have financial security, to feel capable and relevant. We all crave the acceptance of others, no matter the form. Whether by a husband, wife, dog, cat, snail, or alien anal probe--we all seek acceptance. We all want to be "ballers." We all want to "ball" in whatever it is we choose to do in Life.

But don't go to some convention on self-motivation and "being the bigger, better You." Instead, take the advice of people who know best; people who are unsullied by the terrifying world that engulfs us adults. That's right, I'm talking about children, people. Little people. The ones with squirt guns and squeaky voices. These people:

And honestly, who better to know than a young Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker?



But moving on...

If you've relegated yourself to the corners of your dark little niche, hate everything, yet still find yourself reading on, let me offer you this:

This is a picture of a lady. But not just any lady. A hot lady. Oh yea, sorry ladies...




Here's a hottie for you:

Feeling better now?
Good.

But wait. There was a point to that whole exercise, and I'm now just beginning t...


Ah yes, the Internet!

As I'm sure you've guessed, the above pictures were from the internet. The internet is an awesome place with awesome things.. but the internet is also a place where the the predators stalk. The internet is a constellation of human crap; a network of infinitely increasing information--one giant clusterfuck of factoids good, bad, and without fail, ugly. The internet is a place where you can chat with your best friend from across the globe, and at the same time 'self-congratulate' via very unfiltered "adult content."

The internet is a good place. But sometimes we have to take a step back. In order to understand how this rapidly expanding technology is changing our lives and minds, we must first see the Internet as it truly is. The Internet is Sexxy:

Wasn't that exciting?

I felt my jimmy wiggle, that's for sure. But anyway, what's important to know is that the Internet is a great way to conquer your enemies. What better way to slay a worthy adversary than through the stroke of keys in the form of a quickly-spread, libelous statement? See, the internet makes it easy to ruin anybody's good name, what with the "going viral" movements that we have these days. Listen, whether it be a sex tape, a hidden camera in the bathroom, or incriminating photos shown on Facebooks and Tweeters, people are going to feel the burn. People who try to stop you from doing you--they will be the ones witnessing the evil power of the Internet.

But wait, you say. Isn't the Internet also a place where I can pay my bills, and snoop on my significant other's emails, and play poker and order erotic toys and handguns?? Isn't the internet also a good place?

YES. It is (as I've already said). The Internet is great because it gives anybody with access a voice, especially rapists. And if there wasn't an Internet, where the hell would I dump my shit? All in all, the internet is good. And if you don't believe that, then you're a terrorist  ------ >