First off, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for stumbling on my little here site while you were off searching for porn, or candy, or pictures of Jerry Sandusky. I know this isn't what you expected (and I couldn't care less, frankly), but hey, 'least it's something.

That being said, let's cut to the chase. And by chase, I refer to, of course, everything you're about to learn. So do us all a favor. Pull your swamp ass out of your seat, tell your Facebook 'friends' you're callin' it a night, and let's get crackin. Grab a beer, pop a Xanax, rip a fart, cinch the panties--whatever you gotta do to get ready.

Ready?

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HERE IS MY BOOK!! (Yes, I wrote it. Me. This kid.)

(this is what's known as a book cover. It typically accompanies a book. Click on this "book cover" to find out more from our friends at Amazon)